TRIGGER WARNING: Highly unpopular opinions reside in this brutally honest post about all things Zigi vs Zarry.
I was able to make three videos and several posts about “Nobody Is Listening” before calling it quits:
I really tried to understand the stories behind NIL and wracked my brain and made multiple long videos with pictures and clips and voiceovers and deep analysis, before I called it quits. I did all that because because the title and the lyrics of “Calamity” broke my heart and made me worry for Zayn. However, it didn’t take much longer before I realized Zayn is being purposefully vague and therefore somewhat disingenuous. He doesn’t care whether or not anyone really understands him (which is why he makes it impossible to do so in his music and barely speaks in real life) and he literally admits that in the lyrics of “Calamity”: “I prefer speaking in analogies.”
Zayn is just an ambivalent man, and I don’t think he can help himself in that regard. So he is admittedly not being straightforward about anything he’s saying, and therefore he has no right to complain that people aren’t listening. He’s not giving his audience anything substantial or worthwhile to listen to (as far as his words being unambiguous; but they are great great songs.) If you really want people to listen to you or understand you, the first thing you need to do is speak frankly. But he is purposefully being vague, evasive, and speaking in riddles, because he doesn’t really want people to know whether he is singing about Gigi or someone else. And while some people may find this cute or clever, I no longer have any interest in deciphering his work for the people who have asked me to.
***(For Harry’s overly confusing tracks like “She” I do the same thing. I don’t bother trying to guess at them. But he was clear enough and direct enough in other songs for me to understand them with some confidence.)
First of all, let’s discuss the two dual worldviews surrounding this album.
- The album is about Gigi.
- The album is about Harry Styles.
Obviously, Zarries operate based off of the second worldview, while everyone else in the world (generally speaking, apart from maybe Ziams) operate off of the first one.
My personal interpretation, however, is wedged somewhere in between. Despite me being a Zarrie (I guess) I am still capable of considering the fact that Zayn may no longer be writing about Harry; despite the fact that Harry just released Fine Line, an album that reiterates in no uncertain terms that Harry is beyond in love with Zayn, and that he is devoted to him in spite of their tribulations. Mind you, he wrote these things before the Zigi Baby, so his feelings for Zayn may have changed quite drastically since then. We have no idea.
(I am AFRAID to hear the songs that will be released on HS3, because Harry admittedly began writing during the quarantine, and then the baby news dropped. You just know there might be some devastating tracks on that album. I can’t conceive of anything being sadder than “Falling” right now, but I imagine we haven’t seen anything yet if Harry decides to disclose his feelings about Zayn having a baby with Gigi.)
Moving on: The Zigi baby, now known as “Khai,” is the defining factor in understanding Zayn and his new album “Nobody Is Listening” and everything he does henceforth. For me, the baby changed EVERYTHING when it comes to interpreting Zarry and trying to understand them with the limited information we have. I have been trying (with some success) to express how I felt about the baby news since it dropped in April 2020, and I have gotten attacked for those opinions by Z-stans and also by Z-stans masquerading as Zarries (since their fave Zayn is a ghost, they’re bored and their timelines are dead so they dip into the Zarry world occasionally. ) They are openly biased against Harry on behalf of Zayn, who they perceive to be the victim of every possible situation and who is never at fault and never needs to be held accountable for his actions with anyone. Sigh.
They tend to get angry at me for “victimizing Harry” but??? It’s perfectly okay to victimize someone who is very clearly the victim of a particular set of circumstances. That’s not saying Harry is a perpetual victim (the way they ALWAYS try to pretend Zayn is) it just means that the Zigi baby situation (if you operate from the worldview that Zarry is real) was potentially a devastating, soul-killing set of circumstances for Harry. I come to that notion based on the timing of Fine Line, the feelings he revealed in that album, the reverential love he expressed, the green/gold crosses, and finally his subsequent behavior after the baby was announced.
(That behavior included: him suddenly stopping all promo/interviews (including virtual) for Fine Line after April 2020 despite doing tons of facetime interviews in March and despite still releasing several singles, and him suddenly vanishing for over a month after the baby news dropped despite him having been out FREQUENTLY in the earlier part of April 2020. He later reemerged in late May 2020 and did not look like himself, and he suddenly stopped wearing the green/gold cross and began wearing the vans with the pink shoelace.)
So based on all the things I named above (particularly the timing of Fine Line) in addition to pulling information from the past regarding established precedents in the way Harry behaves over Zayn’s partners, and especially based on his openly hostile behavior during Zayn’s fake engagement charade, it is my estimation that not only was Harry victimized through this situation, but it had deep and lasting effects on his mental health. How could it not, based on how deeply far lesser things affected him, like the Zigi Vogue cover or Perrie’s Birthday Carnival Pics or what turned out to be The Fake Zerrie Engagement?
These Zstans don’t actually operate from the same worldview that I do (even the ones who pretend to be Zarries.) They really operate from the first worldview where Zigi is real and should not be questioned and should be celebrated at all costs, period. For them, Zarry is second to Zigi, so ultimately Zarry is just irrelevant to them where it really matters. They just like getting “hit tweets” and posting Zarry gifs to gain mindless followers.
I operate from the second worldview, meaning that for me: Zarry is real. (Present tense. Hardcore. Forever and always.)
Zarry transcends and sabotages all of their publicly known relationships with other people – they only write about each other – they want to be together in a real and exclusive way (mainly Harry) but are inhibited by many factors (mainly what I believe is internalized homophobia on Zayn’s part, as well as Zayn’s admitted distrusting/defensive nature; not wanting to trust Harry with his heart) – and ultimately I think that Zigi is a convenient PR cover for a deeply closeted man who cannot bring himself to face who he really is. Harry got over that hurdle in 2019 with Lights Up. This is not an uncommon reality. Look at Ricky Martin.
In my interpretation of all the publicly available information, Zayn is afraid to walk in his truth. I think this choice affects his life in a myriad of ways that he doesn’t realize, and many of which are unknown to us. It has untold consequences on his entire self-perception. As a result, he sabotages his own career through a refusal to be seen in public, a refusal to open up to his audience in any real or consistent way, a refusal to do interviews, and a refusal to perform the incredible songs he makes, even in a controlled environment without an audience (like a virtual concert.) He simply cannot bring himself to do it; not even a single interview. He sets them up and pulls out of them at the last minute. The Zach Sang interview was the latest, and there have been some behind the scenes interviews cancelled and evaded as well.
I feel like there is something very wrong here, and that we’re being diverted from inquiring into it by Gigi and her team. Basically we’re being made to look the other way. Made to focus on her and the baby and nothing else. She keeps speaking for Zayn. Zayn is not speaking for himself. In that Vogue article about her “motherhood,” this is the excuse for why Zayn isn’t speaking for himself:
I believe his anxiety and introverted personality type does not afford him the opportunity to be a traditional music artist, yes, but there is something far deeper at play than anxiety. Something that would explain why he refuses to take responsibility for his career in a consistent way (which made him have issues with his label and made his management drop him in 2018) and I believe that “something” has nothing to do with anxiety.
There are MANY artists with extreme social anxiety or other forms of mental illness who still manage to do interviews and perform in their own unique ways because they are passionate about their music: Sia, Shawn Mendez, Camila Cabello, Ellie Goulding Halsey, etc. But with Zayn, it is year after year of failed promises to tour without any effort made to do even virtual concerts, year after year of lackluster promo, year after year of declining interviews and the list goes on. I understand that he has crippling anxiety, but Zayn used to perform with no problem while he had anxiety, because of the onstage camaraderie of his 1D friends (of course until those relationships changed and Zayn no longer wanted to be in the band.)
In my opinion, Zayn is hiding because he is dealing with a critical issue of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and probably an identity crisis among other things. I believe he is nowhere near as confident as he tries to make himself sound in songs like “Unfuckwitabale” or “Icarus Interlude” and it is worth noting that truly confident people don’t need to remind others of how confident they are. And I don’t think he has anyone to talk to about this, because the source of this issue is the very thing he is trying to conceal. And in that, I do feel sympathy for him. My heart breaks for him. But I wish he would open up and get help so that even if he can’t perform, he can at least keep up with his professional obligations and stop burning bridges.
I don’t say any of this to “bash” Zayn or paint him in a negative light. I think he is brilliant and talented and could be a legend, so I’m being brutally honest about him because I LOVE him (this is the sort of honesty his stans are incapable of showing or even comprehending because all they do is make excuses for his conduct, which makes them useless narrow-minded enabler sheeple, happy with the toxic status quo of Gigi speaking for him and exploiting him for clout).
Now, as a result of the bottomless mental pit Zayn has “fallen” into (“The brain dead that I never miss, my brain lives with the cannabis…can I resist the dark abyss?”) he has resorted to hiding behind an opportunistic, self-obsessed, attention-craving, media-wh*re (or media darling, whichever you choose) who CLEARLY takes advantage of his dependency upon her, and uses him as her trophy husband for clout. And who may be entirely ignorant of his true sexuality and his ONGOING relationship with Harry.
Or, she knows everything and is extorting him for personal gain (in some way and to some extent and probably unwittingly because I don’t believe she is a horrible person with carefully thought out machinations. I just think she’s vapid, narcissistic, and insecure). And this would actually explain why Zayn looks so soulless and hostage-y in her endless camera roll of moments of staged affection. I think he knows he is being used, but because their relationship is so symbiotic and he’s using her to hide who he really is, he is ok with what she is doing.
*** I am being brutally honest about Zayn and his odd behavior, just like I was about Harry’s clingy, drunken, pathetic behavior in this post.
You may feel compelled to ask: “Who the hell does she think she is? Why can’t she just stfu? Why does she think she can say these things about our perfect angel-baby clams who can do no wrong EVER? Let’s silence her! Let’s de-platform her! Let’s harass her supporters into denouncing her and seeing how horrible of a person she is— yada yada.“ (I’m used to it by now.)
You may also think I sound overly critical, judgmental, or even self-righteous. I swear I’m not. If I was a person incapable of discussing my own shortcomings, then I could see you saying I’m being judgmental or self-righteous or hypocritical, but that is not the case. I talk to you all about my own flaws constantly on IG and I struggle with accepting compliments without finding a way to reverse them back onto the person who complimented me. I also talk often of how immature I can be, how stubborn I can be, how I am occasionally misanthropic, how dumb I am at times, and how obsessive I am about writing, researching, and archiving information (not just about Zarry), and the list of my flaws goes on into infinity lol.
Point being, you all have given me a mini-platform theoretically because you were interested in what I have to say and how I feel about certain subjects (mostly in video form) and I am simply utilizing that platform to be perfectly candid with you about my ever-evolving feelings for Zarry, and in this case Zayn.
Therefore, my worldview and that of these Z-stans are in no way comparable, and a debate between us about NIL would be futile because we operate from totally different presuppositions on the matter. If Zarry is not real, then of course I have no complaints about anything NIL related and I would be silent and ignore Zigi. (However, I still would be vocal about Zayn sabotaging his own career because I simply want more for him and his music than I guess he wants for himself.)
But, Zarry is real, so I feel a certain way about the Zigi situation and will voice that as much as I want. Why?
- I do what I want.
- They are public figures who profit off of being famous; and the first amendment allows me to talk about what I want and as often as I want without impediment, especially if there is an audience eagerly waiting to receive it, WHICH THERE IS.
- I love Zayn and Harry and want to show support for them.
- I am questioning a popularly believed and strategically pushed media narrative. Gigi is actively pushing what I (and many others) perceive to be a phony, fairytale narrative about her involvement with Zayn, in a rather insidious way. I believe this based on the fact that Zayn is still struggling with his mental health (and has admittedly struggled with it for YEARS, that fact has not suddenly changed).
Whether Gigi genuinely cares for him or not is irrelevant. Aside from her theoretical “caretaking” she is also using him for her own self-glorification, and as a means to validate her place in life and to validate her life choices to her weird, obsessive parents. At one point she got so bad and desperate about using him for IG photos (which he clearly didn’t want to be apart of) that she would constantly take pictures of the back of his head.
She even snapped a pic of him in an airport, where he looked so disconcerted that she had to put a giant filter down his face, instead of ya know NOT POSTING IT and deleting it like a normal person. But she just HAS to have that social media validation for her life. Her relationship with Zayn is meaningless if she can’t wh*re the content off to her followers.
It seems to me she believes that posting enough pictures of Zayn will belie the obvious way in which he does not ever speak about her, it will belie the odd way in which he sabotages his own career (burning professional bridges) she thinks it will hide the fact that he got dropped by his management in 2018 for his behavior, she thinks it will hide the fact that he has barely spoken 5 full sentences without being high (his livestreams) or evasive since 2018, and ultimately she thinks it will validate her life choices and convince her friends, family, and fans that she is living the good life in a fairytale pairing with a global superstar.
Whether Zarry is a factor in this situation or not is irrelevant at this point. She pushes this BS daily, trying to get articles written about her and Zayn so that Google is so over–saturated with images of Zigi that you can’t Google Zayn’s name for any year (with even THEE most specific search criteria) without her face popping up too. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: Zigi and Gigi have completely absorbed Zayn’s legacy and his identity. And the sad part is that he is so insecure he allowed it to happen without protest. He is beyond complacent. He is in the sunken place (so to speak ) or “the dark abyss” as he puts it.
Ultimately I have gotten to a point where I am personally tired. Because Zigi thrives (regardless of how phony and contrived and staged the pictures are) I find it difficult to care about Zayn’s perspective on Zarry or Harry anymore (if he is even still singing about it.) Mainly I just don’t believe anything he has to say about Harry. His actions no longer match his words. He has done too many acts of sacrilege (imo) for their relationship to still be of merit or for anything he does for Harry to be meaningful (sacrilege such as the engagement, the Perrie tattoo, the Zigi tattoo, the timing of the baby with another person.) For me, his POV on Zarry has become SO distorted by Zigi, to the point where I find his perspective weird, inconsistent, full of braggadocio, disingenuous, and just plain confusing. Which is heartbreaking af to admit, especially because he is still doing tiny little things for Harry like the Bode, the earring, etc.
I also feel dumb when I write about his perspective in regards to Zarry, which is what I explained on IG on February 15, 2021 and got attacked for it. My feelings about Zayn and his Zarry perspective were in regards to the inundation of Zigi from Valentine’s Day.
What was Harry doing on Valentines Day of 2020 before the baby news dropped? Wearing a green/gold cross and getting robbed by a gang of thugs at knife point because he was going home alone on V-Day. I just don’t see how Zayn can continue on with this girl in this capacity if he has even a modicum of love, respect, or concern for Harry, or if Fine Line affected him in any way.
Harry puts Zayn above everyone, and drew a clear distinction between his beard and Zayn in Fine Line. He REFUSES to commit sacrilege against his relationship with Zayn, so he puts no one above him. He started the album off with Golden.
In addition to the timing of the baby, the way Zayn all but ignored Fine Line in NIL, and also the way he allows Gigi to carry on about him is cruel. And saying he doesn’t post about her or that he’s “wEaRinG hIs bOdE jAcKeT” while snuggling her is no longer an excuse for the pictures that he participates in and allows her to brag about.
I’m just no longer convinced that he loves Harry or that he ever truly did. I think Zayn is (and has for many years) been trying to have the best of both worlds. Trying to have his cake and eat it too, by having the fake persona he wants projected to the media and to the public with the Perries and the Gigis and the babies and the tattoos, while also hanging onto Harry as a f*ck-buddy, wrecking both of their mental health, and never actually changing in any way.
He literally repeated all the same patterns with Gigi that he did with Perrie, including the large tattoo of her likeness, but instead of a media engagement we got a media baby. Yet he still does a few minor things to try to show he is connected to Harry like the Bode clothing, the green/gold earring, and the “I Won’t Mind” lyric in “Tightrope.” That’s it.
I cannot in good conscience, regardless of being a Zarrie, root for Zayn to get with Harry or for Harry to be with Zayn any longer. I started to root for him when I thought things were changing and that “Tightrope” meant something optimistic for he and Harry, but then Gigi kept posting and kept posting and kept posting, and things got really absurd on Valentines Day 2021 and it made me realize, omfg we are so dumb (or at least I feel dumb thinking NIL is for Harry.)
We really thought this man was about to make a move and suddenly change and go after Harry for once. Nope. Not the case apparently. And even if he did, I’m not sure at this point Harry is interested. Not because I think he is in some groundbreaking relationship with Olivia, but because I think the baby news changed him and ruined his idea of Zayn and of what he and Zayn could ever be (but that’s just my speculation. That is the sense I got, but of course as in all things I could be dead wrong.)
Everything we love about and celebrate about Fine Line was written and released before the baby. And with the timing of the baby seeming to be a direct reaction to Fine Line, and the way Zayn volunteers to stand in Gigi’s photos and allows her to use him and claim him publicly on the daily, and having given her the honor of carrying his child, I don’t think Zarry will ever be the same again. And I don’t blame Harry for finally walking away if he has. I would’ve done the same. This version of Zayn that we’ve seen of late does not deserve Harry and definitively did not deserve Fine Line.
SIDE NOTE: I have not and would never try to pressure anyone to come out of the closet or be angry with someone for not coming out of the closet. That is NOT what I am saying at all. I’m simply saying I’m grossed out by the lies of Zigi, I’m saddened by the ways Zayn’s extreme over-the-top bearding has hurt Harry in the past, and as a Zarrie I think the phony narrative to “protect” Zayn has gone too far and is now actively harming both his and Harry’s mental health. That is all.
With that being said, I wish the absolute best for Zayn. It is my hope that he and his daughter have a happy, healthy, and peaceful life together. I hope he breaks away from the dependency he has on the Hadids and returns to his own family. But if he is stupid enough to marry Gigi and marry into her family, I hope he goes into it with a rock solid pre-nup and protects his name, his assets, and his royalties etc.
As for Harry, I hope he finds someone who loves him the way he loved Zayn. Wholly, unconditionally, patiently, ardently, humiliatingly, openly, and without inhibition. (I am literally tearing up writing this right now. 💔😥😣) His love for Zayn is the stuff of novels. It deserves to be immortalized in every way possible. It deserved a child. It’s the sort of love we aspire to as hopeful romantics, and it’s the sort of love that should be documented for the ages, to which I say Fine Line was the perfect medium for that.
As for me and the entire concept of “Zarry Documentaries” that I began in May 2018 on Youtube (😏😥) I’m not going anywhere. I am here for you all, through the good the bad and the ugly. I can ignore the haters. Their cries fall on deaf ears and always have.
Now I may not always talk about Zarry or make videos about them, but I’ll always be one of the biggest supporters of their love. I may speak more on their past than their present, and I will archive it here and on Youtube as best I can, but ultimately I hope to discuss new things with you and share new things with you. Mainly my writings that have nothing to do with Zarry. And if you stick around for that I’ll love you forever!
I will try my damnedest to finish the sequel to TTUM in Zayn’s perspective because I promised it to you all. I will stick to mostly talking about the Zarry past in that book, so hopefully all will go as planned and I will begin uploading the sequel soon.