If you want to have a good cry, go watch Harry Styles sing “Girl Crush” from late August 2017 (which was later aired on November 2, 2017. Watch here.)
Let’s paint a word picture here.
In August 2017, Zayn and Gigi were on the cover of Vogue magazine (eyeroll.) I’ll just say, I don’t think Harry was too happy about that. Girl Crush is what I presume to be his reaction to the Vogue cover, something he had been preparing for since July 2017 once the Zigi pics were first dropped by Vogue. He probably ruminated on it for a while and then decided to perform “Girl Crush.”
And the whole thing just gives me “so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can” or “we don’t need no piece of paper from the city hall” vibez. Harry always always reacts to these things Zayn does with his beards. Always. (The Zigi Baby reaction.)
What few people know is that although this performance of “Girl Crush” aired in November, it was recorded in August 2017 after the Zigi Vogue cover dropped. It is actually the first time he performed it (in August) not the nearly emotionless September 2017 performance he did in Nashville (which I believe was less emotional because by that time Zayn had released “Dusk Till Dawn” which was undeniably a response to FTDT.)
Zayn 1000% reacted to the BBC performance that aired in November 2017, because the emotion was rife throughout, and the pain in Harry’s delivery was palpable. (Watch here!)
So, I’m not going to try and define how much this performance hurts for me to watch. I’m not going to try to breakdown how excruciating each illustrative sentiment is.
I’m not going to attempt to convey how unguarded he is or how brutally honest. My words are inadequate; futile.
I’m not going to try and convince you he has been in some covert battle to win Zayn’s heart since he was a kid, or that the one thing that has always inhibited his victory is his gender, (which puts him DEAD last in Zayn’s book for who he would ever consider a public relationship with. Without question.)
I won’t convince you how f&$ked up it is that the moment he got over the Perrie situation, he logged in online only to immediately be faced with the Gigi situation (after Zayn had left the band abruptly in 2015 following a fallout with him in Bangkok.)
And while others may try to convince you that Harry was busy screwing everything that walked or breathed near him during the Zarry estrangement (2015-2016), what he was really doing was FIRST pushing for a hiatus for the biggest boyband in the world at the height of their success despite vehement protests from his three counterparts (because he simply couldn’t go on in that band without Zayn.)
He was also subsequently (while hanging with his new “lOvEr” Xander Ritz) penning several heart-wrenching songs for 1D’s Made In The AM such as: “If I Could Fly,” “Walking In The Wind,” and “Olivia” before carrying those forlorn and acute sentiments into HS1, giving us haunting refrains like in “Meet Me In The Hallway” and “From The Dining Table.”
What I will try to convince you of however, is that the scenario surrounding this performance (i.e. Zigi vs Zarry and also ghostly remnants of Zerrie vs Zarry) as well as all the convoluted psychological dilemmas this performance proves Harry was experiencing, are so disturbing that they compelled Zayn to never post Gigi on his social media accounts again.
No, like…actually. That’s actually a thing that happened. No lie.
When Zayn saw that performance, he saw what we all saw. Apart from an incredibly gifted vocalist and performer, we all saw a broken individual exposing himself in an act of self-debasement so alarming that it’s hard to even conceive of.
The lyrics in this song are lyrics that he could never bring himself to openly write, but which he feels on a cellular level: “She has you. She is better than me. In order to have you, I must be like her. I must look like her. I must smell like her. Or I must taste her in order to taste you again. I can’t stand the thought of you touching her the way you touched me. I can’t believe you’re over me. I can’t believe I’m not The One.”
What makes Harry’s adaptation of this song so much more compelling than the original female singers is that not only does it allude to the fact that he is in love with a man who sleeps with women, but it also alludes to the fact that he feels he needs to be a female in order to be accepted by the man he loves.
Now that…that is some HEAVY shit. Zayn knows this, and Zayn sees this, and he realizes he is the cause of Harry feeling this way. So in true Zayn fashion he implements a quiet but definitive solution. Gigi, who he had just posted on his Instagram only two days before this performance aired on November 2nd, suddenly vanishes from his social media forever, never to return, not even for a Happy Birthday pic.
It is 2021, and the ‘no Gigi posts‘ rule endures across all of Zayn’s social media accounts (despite the fact that Gigi continues to obsessively post about him for attention, ‘likes’ all of his posts, and comments on all of them like an insecure stalker.)
That’s the end of this story. Watch the video below and cry.
The emotion in Harry’s voice and face are undeniable during this performance. He had also just begun dating Camille in July 2017, so why on earth was he singing this particular song in such a heartbreaking way at the start of his relationship with Camille? Shouldn’t he have been giddy with butterflies over her? Not clearly pained and pouring his heart out to someone who was in a relationship with a girl he was jealous of. And why choose this song of all the songs on the planet he could’ve chosen to cover??? Why not one about new love or the high he felt having just started dating Camille? Similar logic can be applied to him choosing to sing Still The One about a long-term love he experienced while overcoming tribulations with someone. Why on earth would he sing this about his fairly new relationship with Camille (during which he was on tour the entire time???) Hamille was fake.